A species* that is likely to become extinct

Jo-hukoom-mere-aka.

• They work their ass-off. Hee-Haw!
• They’re willing to do any job that comes their way. Hee-Haw!
• They volunteer to do a job or sort a problem, which eventually gets added to their job profile, with no increase in the take home, except for the extra load of work and pressure. Hee-Haw!
• They lend their fundas – “interface”, “approach notes”, “information architecture”, “rationale”, “process flow”…that soon become the norm at the workplace. Hee-Haw!
• They yap about all and sundry to keep their sanity. Hee-Haw!
• They pledge their loyalty to the Company they work in. Even when a bigger better job is offered to them, they refuse to budge. Hee-Haw!

Cover-up agents.

• They cover-up follies in a diplomatic manner. Hee-Haw!
• When client asks for schedule: “Will discuss with team and get back to you”. Hee-Haw!
• When client asks when the job will be done: “Team is working on it. Will keep you posted.” Hee-Haw!
• When the irate client asks, Why is this blue, when I asked for red: Bloody hell, they think on their feet and with the most convincing of expressions reply: “Blue symbolizes hope, joy , prosperity, royalty…” da, da, da it goes till the client says, yeah…coming to think of it, I’m beginning to like it. Hee-Haw!
• And so on…

No-moolah. No problem.

 

• If not paid a couple of months (financial crunch), they don’t question. They swear allegiance; wear a pair of horse blinds so they are not tempted to jump at the slightest whiff of opportunity coming their way. Hee-Haw!
• If the last raise or promotion came a couple of years back, they let it pass. What the heck! In fact, they slog harder. Hee-Haw!
• They sweet-talk others (the not paid, half-paid, demoralized or simply wanting to graze the meadows that seem greener on the other side kinds) to continue working in the company. Hee-Haw!

Thick-skinned, nothing affects them.

• Not the KMA (Kiss My Ass) policy of the higher-ups. This species would rather swear by the Kick-ass methodology to get work done or to solve a problem. Hee-Haw!
• Not the laid-back attitude of colleagues. A kick in the butt (or at least saying “I’m gonna kick your butt”) can fix that attitude. Hee-Haw!
• Not the incorrigible commonsense-less behavior of other teams working on the project who pretend that it is the soon-to-be-extinct-species’ job to tell them if they’re doing their job right or wrong (The species under study would like to call them blockheads, morons, jackasses or what have you!). Hee-Haw!
• Not the dressing-down from the boss, which is often not even remotely related to what the species is actually supposed to do. Hee-Haw!
• Not the boring jobs that come their way. Hee-Haw!
• Not the “deadline yesterday” jobs that may get done “the day before”, but may remain in office for “another week or so” because “some moron” forgot to upload it. Hee-Haw!
• Not the brown, watery, sugary stuff they get twice a day. Hee-Haw!
• Not even the HR mandate, as per which, you need to behave like a zombie. Hee-Haw!
• Nothing, NOTHING can stop this species. But fear is, they’ll soon be extinct. Hee-Haw!

Now, am I turning into a fossil?

* The species (subject of this post), as research reveals, is fast disappearing from the face of the earth. Send in your votes (comments) to sustain this species and to save it from being extinct.

The Zombie Ritual

At the Workplace:

• Enter. Find scooters / bikes parked in the only 4-wheel parking slot left. Leave it under the gummy tree and don't look behind.
• Remove your brains and boots at the door.
• Swipe card and hear the automated "welcome" message (that you probably don't hear because you just left your brains in your boots).
• Don't bother looking up, nobody can see you (you are the invisible Zombie, remember?).
• Head straight to your desk, don't acknowledge, smile or greet anybody on your way (They don't even know you exist!).
• Switch on your machine, then perhaps look on your sides, somebody might be waiting to catch your glance, smile or simply grin (Now they can see you!).
• Check your mails. There would be at least one mail to shoot your blood to the brain and get you started on the job (Of calling, mailing, yelling, puffing and doing everything else instead of actually getting to the problem). A great way to start work!
• Settle down and get down to work (if you can get out of the non-stop calls, emails, concalls, meetings, stenography, minutes of the meetings, dressing downs, passing the buck sessions, scheduling, status updates, planning, evaluating, testing...anything but what you really ought to do!)
• Break for grapevine. A cup of brown-sugary-milky stuff they call tea, some biscuits, peanuts or kurkure and barrels of grapevine (Burp!).
• Get back to work (if you can avoid the million other interruptions with a pair of horse-blinds maybe!).
• Break for lunch. Nonsensical conversation - Proclaim judgement on Tom, Dick and Harry, Talk about Current Affairs, Home Affairs and just about any topic under the sun, with some rice to go with it!
• Back to work (got to hire a couple of clones to take over the ancillary jobs that is quickly becoming your main job!)
• Break for the milky-sugary stuff with a faint whiff of tea. Gossip-mongers these Zombies(So the focus is the hot conversations, and the tea soon gets cold!).
• Swears to get work done this time over, when trrring, trrring...Big B on the other end, requesting for a 5 minute Discussion.
• 5 minute stretches to 5 hours.
• Late again! Zombie will now have to deal with the dressing-down session at home...
• But Zombie is back to work again. Happy to see the other zombies at work.
• And life goes on!

I am 16, going on 16+17

At 16, I thought the world was all about me. I felt very important, and I was actually considered quite mature for a teenager. I didn’t worry about trivial things. I was the happy-go-lucky kind, happy with life and everything around. Maybe I was lucky after all, because there were kids with real problems. I didn’t have any cares in this world. Just home, school, family, friends…and of course, the all important ‘me’.

At 16+4, a Math & Physics graduate, aiming to be a fighter pilot in the Indian Air Force, but as destiny would have it otherwise, I was lost at the crossroads, wondering which way the life-full-of-promises was awaiting me. Advertising. A marked deviation from Science obviously, but I couldn’t imagine myself as an academician or a scientist, and I thought the only other thing that I could do was write. So I set out. I had to do something after all, coz there was no such thing as a free meal!

At 16+8, I was an accomplished copywriter, on my own two feet. A few of us got together to start up an ad agency. The very first year saw a huge turnover. Then one fine day, it so happened that one of the lead guys got an assignment abroad (a call from his previous agency which he couldn’t refuse), another guy – a printing engineer got an appointment as professor in a reputed institution (he would have been a fool if he’d turned it down), one lady had to join her family who had just then moved to Dubai (again, no choice there) and then myself…well, I got married (the timing couldn’t have been better, or I would have perhaps been at the crossroads again!). Each of us went our own way. The success story came to an abrupt end. (The agency was open for a couple of years after that, but finally wound up, is what I heard). I wasn’t the typical ‘stay-at-home, cook-and-clean-for-pati (husband)’ patni (wife), but my hubby wasn’t the typical pati either. He gave me my space. I gave him his. And we shared a space that was truly special.

At 16+10, I was working on big brands in an Ad Agency in Bombay. Then, I had my first baby. For a year I stayed at home and enjoyed the just-turned-mother phase thoroughly. I continued working from home though (man, was I raking in the moolah!). But I was already pining to get back to full time work! With a baby in my arms, I heard school and college kids referring to me as “aunty”! Mama was fine, but “aunty” was something I was yet to get used to!

At 16+12, I moved down south with family. Worked hard, partied harder. Bought a house. We were on the fine line, balancing work and home. But found quality time, however sparse, to spend with family. I used to cook back then. And it showed. My husband lost a good 8-10 kilos and I was ‘skinny legs and all’. I got used to “aunty”, grrrr…udgingly.

At 16+15, I had my second baby. Not an easy pregnancy, I must tell you. A hiatus of 3 months from work. At home, enjoying the mother-again phase. It felt nice every time the baby smiled. I coochy-cooed, giggled and played with her. Felt like a baby myself. However, the career woman had to get back to work after the maternity leave, leaving the poor child sucking on lactogen. Youngsters fresh out of college were showing up at work. A good ‘decade’ younger than I. I realize I’m now full time “patni”, “mama”, “ma’am” and “aunty”, but enjoying every single responsibility fully well.

At 16+17, here I am, singing ‘I am 16, going on 16+17’ (Remember Sound of Music?). My kids help keep the child in me alive. I still feel as good as 16. Though now my world means – My kids, hubby, the rest of my family & friends, myself, and then anybody else who matters to me in this world, in that precise order!

I remember, when I was about 22 years old, I thought 28 was old. When I was 28, I thought 32 was old. But now I’m thinking, ‘old’ is only in the ‘thinking’. If you think you are young, you are forever young. That reminds me of my all time favourite song - Bob Dylan’s ‘May you stay forever young’.

“May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be strong,
May you stay…forever young!”